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Bunless burgers, booze, and bad words....

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Howdy fellas.

Well, the Mrs. wanted some burgers Sunday night and I didn’t feel like running to the store just for buns….so bunless burgers it was….which she was fine with since she’s on this whole “carbs are evil” kick. I also had a new lens for my camera that I’ve wanted to fart around with so I decided I was going to do a post about this ever-so-ordinary meal….BUNLESS BURGERS. 

So, I got out my APL book and decided to do a rough rendition (when I say rough, I mean like my drunken karaoke version) of his….you guessed it….Burgers With Griddled Onions!  HEEEYOOO!

“Now, let me see…where did I put that photo…oh, yes. Here we go…”

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In order to make these burgers in less than ideal conditions, I must first get myself headed to more ideal conditions.  That pop you just heard….

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Ok, here we go…

The Mrs. does most of the shopping and she likes to stay fairly healthy, which is in direct opposition to how my taste buds like to feel.  Therefore, I am working with a much leaner choice of ground beef than I would like…

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…so I pulled some bacon fat out from under the sink and added a glob when she was in the other room. “Now we’re starting to get somewhere!”

I learned something new while reading APL’s description of his burgers, which was that adding seasoned salt to your burger meat makes them rubbery, so I decline from mixing in any other ingredients and put them in my butter baste.  (butter, garlic, mixed herbs, dash of Tony’s)

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I divide the burger meat into two half-pound balls and mold into patties.  Here they are hanging out back stage.

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Now, I fill up my second glass of wine and head out for the ceremonial lighting of the fire.  Primo style…

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Got the grate/griddle combo going.

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This is where I stop to finish my wine and admire one of God’s greatest gifts to us.  *GULP* Ok, wine is gone.  Back inside to cut the onions.

I always talk to myself when cooking…“Let’s see here….there’s only two of us…half of an onion should be plenty.”

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Ok, fire is already roaring.  On to the griddle goes some canola oil (good way to tell how unlevel your grill is) and the onions. THESE PUPPIES ARE SIZZLIN’!

(Basting butter on too)

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Back inside, I’m looking for some cheese to put on these burger beauties and I find some swank stuff that the Mrs. is probably planning on eating with some cracker that I can’t pronounce…I’ve got a couple glasses of wine in me and I’m feeling a bit rebellious so…BAM…on the cutting board it goes.

“What is this crap? Blue, Roquefort?  Dah, who cares.” *GULP*

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”Smells funky…Oh, yeah.  Time to check the onions.” *GULP* “Lookin’ good…”

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Looks like it’s burger time, baby!  Let’s get these things on the FIYAH!

“Let’s see…brush on a little of the butter baste….let’s flip these suckers…a little on top….BAM!” (wine brings out my inner Emeril)  On the grill…

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*GULP*  tick…tock…flip

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I’ve got everything under control at this point, then she pops her head out….

”That’s all the onions you’re going to cook?” 

“Huh?  Wha?  Naw sweetie.  You see those are the test onions to see how quickly they cook on my new grill.  I’ve got the REAL onions coming.  Don’t you worry, baby.”

*GULP* …need another glass of wine and more….

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“Ok.  Everything is under control.  Burgers are looking good.  Got more onions.  My baby is happy……”

(Door opens)

“Are you putting the Brussels sprouts on?”

“What Brussels sprouts?”

“The ones I got at the store today.”

“Oh, THOSE Brussels sprouts.  Yeah, baby going to put those on real soon.  Don’t you worry. B.S.”

B.S. = Brussels Sprouts.  I swear.

(Door closes)  (Wine *GULP*)  (Sigh)

Inside I go.  Turbo style.  Brussels sprouts out.  Wash? No. Cut? No. Wait. Yes.  *Chop, chop, chop* In bowl. Canola oil. Garlic powder. Pepper. Headin’ back out. Wait. Back it kitchen. Grab wine.  Head back out. Try to open back door with ninja forearm open trick.  Doesn’t work too well.  Spill some wine. Take my house shoe off. Mop it up with sock. Out to grill. BAM! Dump ‘em on. Burgers need to be on griddle. Gotta move onions. Go back in. Grab bowl. Back out. Onions in bowl. Move burgers over. Back in. Grab cheese. Back out. Lots of flames. Cheese on burgers. Wine back in hand.  Camera and ACTION!

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I’m three quarters of the way through my wine at this point so I get a little brave and stick my head in the door….



“Make a salad!”

I close the door and feel a little manlier.  Then I realize I need to flip the Brussels sprouts.  *sigh*


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Ok, BS look done and I pull them from the grill.  Open the door and my baby has the salad made and table set.  Mission accomplished.

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Until the next fire…


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